Saturday, May 11, 2013
Motherhood: Everything and Nothing I Expected
In high school when John and I first dated I dreamed of one day being a mommy. Actually, a mommy of 5 to be exact. I will be 31 this year and I'm not sure I'm going to make it to five kids! Time will tell. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. A cheerleader mom. A mom that gets to go to kids plays in the middle of the day or bring treats to school. A party throwing mom. A mom that takes her kids to places they've never been. An involved mom. A sit in the bleachers for 12 hours watching my daughter dance kind of mom. Basically, I wanted to be my mom.
When Aaron was born I was filled with so much joy that I thought I would burst. This little baby in my arms that was ours to take home. They were trusting us with a child?! I have learned so much since that day and I know I have so much more to learn. When Ethan was born my heart literally grew twice as big and suddenly there was another little boy who I loved just as much. Each day they teach me what it means to love. I LOVE being a mom. If I never do anything else in life, I will be happy with raising these boys.
Sometimes things are rough. Like yesterday when I find myself raising my voice all day and making empty threats to try to wrangle them and get them to pay attention. This is the side of motherhood I didn't expect. The extremely exhausting side that only a parent can understand. In the midst of my yelling yesterday, Aaron quietly turned to me and said, "Mom, you love your boys right?" Ahhh.... dagger to the heart. The other thing I didn't expect was just how much I would love my kids. It is truly indescribable.
Thursday I picked up Aaron from school and he had made me a purse with a card for Mother's Day. I was moved to tears though I had to fight them back so as not to look like an utter sap at his school. His card said, "I love my mommy because she plays with me." I am honored that I get to be his playmate right now. That he loves to spend time with me and do fun things with me. I know it will not always be so.
Thank you Aaron and Ethan for making me a mommy and for making my dreams come true. I love you both so very, very, VERY much.